So for the past two days, I've gathered a list of really ridiculously funny quotes that I've said, my friends have said, and some I've heard from T.V.
Seriously, if you had to guess which quotes were mine, and which belonged to my friends or the television set...you'd be very surprised.
To think, these quotes were a collection of two days. Life can be realllllly fucking funny sometimes.
"There's chocolate in there...SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKA!"
"I have a boner for him."
-"So you have a penis, haha Jasmine has a penis, Jasmine has a penis!"
"Show your pubes, babe, show your pubes"
"I'll take a cock ring, one cock ring please"
"...I love porn"
"Stop! I'm gonna throw you away."
"Whoo hoo! I got your businessss!"
"And my dick runs deep, sooo deep, so deep put her ass to sleep"
"So what was up with that guy in the movie, the one that's blue and naked?"
"Let's narrow down the cupcake choices....to 6!"
"This nigga's wearing skinny jeans and a buttplug"
"So far for spring break I ate carne asada fries five times"
"Daniel, you're not white! you're not white! you're not white!"
-"We're gonna have to go on the Maury povich show..."
-"Then he's gonna open the envelope and say, 'We have the results, Daniel..you are NOT WHITE'
"That's what happens when you're high-carne asada fries"
"There were legit asian gangsters at the taco shop, we were sincerely scared, they had rice rockets, so we left."
"STOP TRYING TO TOUCH ME! I'm ticklish."
"Noooooo...I'm not gonna put it in you."
"Time for body rolls"
"This was Andrew's ringtone in 6th grade (ginuwine's "Pony" song)
-"I didn't even have a cell phone in 6th grade"
"Sitting here flossing, peeping yo steelo"
"He's taking too long to make the drinks, you know his ass is back there texting!"
"I wanna learn how to hula, except my skirt is gonna be shorter"
"As long as there's balls in your mouth, you're happy"
"You look like you're having a tourettes attack"
"Remember when Ashley used to pretend to have an epilepsy attack during recess..."
-"That was soooo funny"
"Chinese + white = cat"
"You wanna be Ms.Jupiter's daughter for halloween? That's like saying you want permanent cameltoe"
"She didn't go get a refill...you know she's just drinking it all by herself in the bathrooom."
"This nigga's looking like love"
So those are all of the crazy sayings that I've literally been playing on repeat this whole week. So if you happen to see me in class and I all of a sudden bust out in laughter...you'll know why. It's like sarah tran said...
"SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKA!"
love,
penis-less ( haha jasmine)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Poster Child for F MY LIFE
Today I woke up super tired. I literally felt like I ran a marathon for every disease that there was...the sad thing is, I didn't. I am just exhausted from work and school, work and school, and ladies and gentlemen...work and school.
I snoozed my alarm three times, which is a record for me. It took me forever to get dressed because the weather nowadays is soooo crazy! Hot and cold, like we're in a Katy Perry song.
Found my outfit,which I still had problems with. But it's like what I like to say, "Everyday is a fashion show". So it pretty much just meant I wore a cute little (emphasis on little) skirt...and that's it. Yeah I'm being serious, just a skirt with no top. Okay, it was a complete outfit.
Got to school a little later than I had intended...and only had about 40 minutes to study for my stats quiz. Which fucked me, I got fucked by my stats quiz and I didn't even use protection. (I'm indicating that I would have cheated...come on you nasties, get your head out of the gutter) But I can't cheat because I REALLY AM THAT KID WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO GET CAUGHT, IT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE AND I'VE COME TO ACCEPT IT...sort of.
After getting fucked by a quiz...I went to go study for my other test...MUSIC! which will soon later also mess me up. I had every intention on studying and being a good girl...but I hella pulled a Rihanna and got beat up by myspace and facebook and music and not studying at all.
As usual the test was really hard, it was so hard that I was pretty much crying on the inside while the song "i'm goin down" by mary j. blige (my homegirl) played in my head. You would think that someone who loves music like really loves music would be good in a music test...WRONG.
Then I had to go to the music concert that accompanied that class and as usual I was half into it, half asleep.
I think I'm getting too old, I used to love concerts...i would go to a concert every week with my sisters, my friends, MY O.G. ZOMBIE CONCERT CREW (it's a long story about the title). But lately, I'm not into it. Oh yeah that's right...it's because the fucking NO DOUBT/ PARAMORE SHOW GOT SOLD OUT IN ABOUT 5 MINUTES!
FUCK MY LIFE
but I have seen a lot of good/okay/eh? people in concert...let's name a few
john legend (most recent)
cypress hill (ganja fest)
98 degrees (dont laugh, i was like 9)
gatsbys american dream (favorite band ever, seen them 10+ times)
interpol (2 in the same year, yeeee)
talib kweli (might have spelled it wrong, but the show was just right)
the sound of animals fighting/ my boo anthony green (best vocalist besides nic)
paramore
say anything
gym class heroes
the used
estelle
my chemical romance
....etc etc etc etc etc I HAVE YET TO SEE MY BOO ELTON JOHN IN CONCERT!
crap, i dont know why but im forgetting a lot of people ive seen.
i have a notebook that has all the ticket stubs from concerts and stuff like that in it. its the size of the GOBLET OF FIRE. so maybe i am getting old if i keep falling asleep at shows...or perhaps i just need to have one day where i sleep for 598503 hours to get my sleep cycle back on track.
...all i know is that im gonna get my swerve on from my bed tonight, meaning im sleeping at around 11 tonight at the latest!
i cannot afford to bomb my next stats or music test, I REFUSE TO GET FUCKED BY INANIMATE OBJECTS!
till next time
lets hope i get into my recluse study mode but still get at least 7 hours of sleep a night...yeah right.
<3 j
I snoozed my alarm three times, which is a record for me. It took me forever to get dressed because the weather nowadays is soooo crazy! Hot and cold, like we're in a Katy Perry song.
Found my outfit,which I still had problems with. But it's like what I like to say, "Everyday is a fashion show". So it pretty much just meant I wore a cute little (emphasis on little) skirt...and that's it. Yeah I'm being serious, just a skirt with no top. Okay, it was a complete outfit.
Got to school a little later than I had intended...and only had about 40 minutes to study for my stats quiz. Which fucked me, I got fucked by my stats quiz and I didn't even use protection. (I'm indicating that I would have cheated...come on you nasties, get your head out of the gutter) But I can't cheat because I REALLY AM THAT KID WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO GET CAUGHT, IT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE AND I'VE COME TO ACCEPT IT...sort of.
After getting fucked by a quiz...I went to go study for my other test...MUSIC! which will soon later also mess me up. I had every intention on studying and being a good girl...but I hella pulled a Rihanna and got beat up by myspace and facebook and music and not studying at all.
As usual the test was really hard, it was so hard that I was pretty much crying on the inside while the song "i'm goin down" by mary j. blige (my homegirl) played in my head. You would think that someone who loves music like really loves music would be good in a music test...WRONG.
Then I had to go to the music concert that accompanied that class and as usual I was half into it, half asleep.
I think I'm getting too old, I used to love concerts...i would go to a concert every week with my sisters, my friends, MY O.G. ZOMBIE CONCERT CREW (it's a long story about the title). But lately, I'm not into it. Oh yeah that's right...it's because the fucking NO DOUBT/ PARAMORE SHOW GOT SOLD OUT IN ABOUT 5 MINUTES!
FUCK MY LIFE
but I have seen a lot of good/okay/eh? people in concert...let's name a few
john legend (most recent)
cypress hill (ganja fest)
98 degrees (dont laugh, i was like 9)
gatsbys american dream (favorite band ever, seen them 10+ times)
interpol (2 in the same year, yeeee)
talib kweli (might have spelled it wrong, but the show was just right)
the sound of animals fighting/ my boo anthony green (best vocalist besides nic)
paramore
say anything
gym class heroes
the used
estelle
my chemical romance
....etc etc etc etc etc I HAVE YET TO SEE MY BOO ELTON JOHN IN CONCERT!
crap, i dont know why but im forgetting a lot of people ive seen.
i have a notebook that has all the ticket stubs from concerts and stuff like that in it. its the size of the GOBLET OF FIRE. so maybe i am getting old if i keep falling asleep at shows...or perhaps i just need to have one day where i sleep for 598503 hours to get my sleep cycle back on track.
...all i know is that im gonna get my swerve on from my bed tonight, meaning im sleeping at around 11 tonight at the latest!
i cannot afford to bomb my next stats or music test, I REFUSE TO GET FUCKED BY INANIMATE OBJECTS!
till next time
lets hope i get into my recluse study mode but still get at least 7 hours of sleep a night...yeah right.
<3 j
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Friday, 1:00 pm
So those of you who know me, know that I am THE HOPELESS ROMANTIC...which can be a good and a bad thing.
Mostly a bad thing since, for the most part chivalry is DEAD.
For the past 4 semesters of college I did realized that I enjoy my FALL classes 100 times more than my spring classes and this year hadn't changed my opinion so much...until..
DUN DUN DUN
THE BEST LOOKING GUY/ COULD BE A MODEL/ JUST MY TYPE PHYSICALLY stepped into my MWF 1:00 class.
He clearly knows what he's doing because jigga is always dressing to please.
For example... here is one gorgeous outfit that he wore to class, and yes I know that my type in men is really different from others but nonetheless, here is the heavenly description...
WHITE COLLARED SHIRT WITH THE SLEEVES ROLLED UP
ACCOMPANIED BY A GRAY VEST, WORN OPEN
WITH A RED AND BLACK SCARF
AND BLACK SKINNY JEANS!
I MEAN COME ON
i melt
i die
i wish he was...
SINGLE
yes...here is the downfall ladies and gentlemen.
jigga is dating this girl that was in my math class last semester.
Yes I know, I literally am the leper of love. Every guy that I think is perfect for me, soon becomes untouchable. Besides his clothing sense being PHENOMENOL, his face is definitely model status. Not cheesy, aberzombie & bitch style but just really attractive...even with his scruff.
Anywhozels, as sad as I was...which is everytime I walk into that class and see his face...I learned to move on. In doing so I wrote a little poem that is dedicated to my Friday, 1:00 cutie. If she ever unleashes you...you know where to find me.
"So you stood
and I smiled
and we kept this cycle
on for awhile
never asking for my name
and i laughed as you stood
in your battle stance
looking as good as one could get
but i stopped,
asked around
and i knew that you
would've given me a false
description
because of course,
someone else launched a thousand ships
in your eyes
it led to our demise
our almost touch that allows my heart
to race until tomorrow
but summer fades into winter
and you realize who he's into
a day late
unrequited fate
it all comes down to you..."
-Jenilli jenilli jenilli
by yours truly,
Hope you enjoyed that little poem, as sappy as it sounds.
Maybe on monday (tomorrow) he'll be wearing an even cuter outfit.
LURKER? no
INFATUATED? hell yes
till next time,
<3j
Mostly a bad thing since, for the most part chivalry is DEAD.
For the past 4 semesters of college I did realized that I enjoy my FALL classes 100 times more than my spring classes and this year hadn't changed my opinion so much...until..
DUN DUN DUN
THE BEST LOOKING GUY/ COULD BE A MODEL/ JUST MY TYPE PHYSICALLY stepped into my MWF 1:00 class.
He clearly knows what he's doing because jigga is always dressing to please.
For example... here is one gorgeous outfit that he wore to class, and yes I know that my type in men is really different from others but nonetheless, here is the heavenly description...
WHITE COLLARED SHIRT WITH THE SLEEVES ROLLED UP
ACCOMPANIED BY A GRAY VEST, WORN OPEN
WITH A RED AND BLACK SCARF
AND BLACK SKINNY JEANS!
I MEAN COME ON
i melt
i die
i wish he was...
SINGLE
yes...here is the downfall ladies and gentlemen.
jigga is dating this girl that was in my math class last semester.
Yes I know, I literally am the leper of love. Every guy that I think is perfect for me, soon becomes untouchable. Besides his clothing sense being PHENOMENOL, his face is definitely model status. Not cheesy, aberzombie & bitch style but just really attractive...even with his scruff.
Anywhozels, as sad as I was...which is everytime I walk into that class and see his face...I learned to move on. In doing so I wrote a little poem that is dedicated to my Friday, 1:00 cutie. If she ever unleashes you...you know where to find me.
"So you stood
and I smiled
and we kept this cycle
on for awhile
never asking for my name
and i laughed as you stood
in your battle stance
looking as good as one could get
but i stopped,
asked around
and i knew that you
would've given me a false
description
because of course,
someone else launched a thousand ships
in your eyes
it led to our demise
our almost touch that allows my heart
to race until tomorrow
but summer fades into winter
and you realize who he's into
a day late
unrequited fate
it all comes down to you..."
-Jenilli jenilli jenilli
by yours truly,
Hope you enjoyed that little poem, as sappy as it sounds.
Maybe on monday (tomorrow) he'll be wearing an even cuter outfit.
LURKER? no
INFATUATED? hell yes
till next time,
<3j
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
...Heard it from the GREEKvine
So many of you who actually know me should know that I am part of the Greek family, yes I am in a sorority.
Although there are many perks in being in a sorority and knowing a lot of new people and networking, there is one disadvantage in it...
EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR SHIT!
So keep your mouth closed or write it in a diary.
Sometimes it is fun hearing about some juicy gossip that travels through the night and ends up on the table for a lunch conversation. However, sometimes enough is enough and people just need to slowly gravitate towards people who are not greek affiliated.
I know that if the only friends I had were from my sorority and fraternities, I would probably pull my hair out. I love a good amount of people from greek organizations, but sometimes you just need time to relax with people who can talk about different and exciting subjects.
Maybe it would be a good idea to hook up with someone at a designated spot outside of the party? That way people would not be able to chatter about your sexcapades...but then there's always the nosy ones.
The nosy ones are the people who make it their duty to point out who is missing from the party and link them to an imaginary hook up. Maybe they just left the party to get fish tacos?
It's like a breath of fresh air when I see old high school friends because it makes conversations last so much longer. Don't get me wrong, I love being greek and I think it's cool that people know so much about me...TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.
Truth is, people are so much more intriguing when they're a mystery. When you do find out that he's a manwhore...what's the fun in that? Oh yeah that's right, you avoid his genital herpes when you do know.
Oh so that's what that was on his lips?
So I guess when it boils down past all the bullshit, if you do not want people knowing all about you...just do things a little more discretely and please try to not share too much about someone else without their permission.
If anyone ever spreads a nasty rumor about you that they heard through the GREEKvine, then that's when you bust out the line...
"Bitch, you don't know my life!"
xoxo
not so into gossip...girl
(but I do love the show!)
Although there are many perks in being in a sorority and knowing a lot of new people and networking, there is one disadvantage in it...
EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR SHIT!
So keep your mouth closed or write it in a diary.
Sometimes it is fun hearing about some juicy gossip that travels through the night and ends up on the table for a lunch conversation. However, sometimes enough is enough and people just need to slowly gravitate towards people who are not greek affiliated.
I know that if the only friends I had were from my sorority and fraternities, I would probably pull my hair out. I love a good amount of people from greek organizations, but sometimes you just need time to relax with people who can talk about different and exciting subjects.
Maybe it would be a good idea to hook up with someone at a designated spot outside of the party? That way people would not be able to chatter about your sexcapades...but then there's always the nosy ones.
The nosy ones are the people who make it their duty to point out who is missing from the party and link them to an imaginary hook up. Maybe they just left the party to get fish tacos?
It's like a breath of fresh air when I see old high school friends because it makes conversations last so much longer. Don't get me wrong, I love being greek and I think it's cool that people know so much about me...TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.
Truth is, people are so much more intriguing when they're a mystery. When you do find out that he's a manwhore...what's the fun in that? Oh yeah that's right, you avoid his genital herpes when you do know.
Oh so that's what that was on his lips?
So I guess when it boils down past all the bullshit, if you do not want people knowing all about you...just do things a little more discretely and please try to not share too much about someone else without their permission.
If anyone ever spreads a nasty rumor about you that they heard through the GREEKvine, then that's when you bust out the line...
"Bitch, you don't know my life!"
xoxo
not so into gossip...girl
(but I do love the show!)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
www.DUH .com/shoeEtiquette
So as many of you darlings know, who actually know me...I'm a floor supervisor/manager at this "high end" (yeah right) name brand shoe company....yeee yah get money money!
Anywhoozels, there are simple rules that I wish fuckers would learn to follow when coming in my store and I swear that if you did, you would be the perfect customer...but unfortunately there are fucking morons who still do not have the right etiquette in my store.
Listen closley kiddos...
1) Don't ever come into my store and ask if we have converse, or DCs...look at the outside of the store, does it look like it says "Journeys"? no, motherfucka, no.
2) Don't try to try on the display shoe with yo jenky ass dark ass rainbow sandal wearing toes! Here's a hint for you...if you're a female and your shoe size is bigger than 7...don't try on the display, it's NOT YOUR SIZE! For men, it's anything bigger than a 9.5, it won't fucking fit you...so don't be dumb.
3) Don't look in the store and ask for a shoe that you do not see. For example: "Do you have purple high tops?" This is not fucking in-n-out burger, jigga there ain't no secret menu! We don't have hidden stock in the back or shoe cobblers making shoes 24/7, this is not the keebler workshop.
4) If we do not carry your size, don't give us attitude. This is not costco, there is no bulk.
5) Throw away your own trash, DO NOT GIVE ME A DRINK THAT IS HALF FULL OF COFFEE AND ASK ME TO THROW IT AWAY IN MY TINY ASS TRASHCAN BEHIND THE REGISTER WHEN THE TRASHCAN IS 6 FT AWAY OUTSIDE.
6) Keep your kids on leashes...okay that was harsh. DONT LET THEM WALK AROUND FUCKING UP THE STORE.
7) If the mall closes at 9:00pm and you try and walk into my store on a night I'm closing around 8:53pm...PUT ON YOUR BOXING GLOVES.
8)Don't try and ask for a discount on a shoe because there's one tiny little detail on it that's microscopic...unless you're friends with inspector fucking gadget, I'm 100% positive that no one would notice it or even care. P.S. we rarely give discounts, unless something really is wrong with the shoe.
9) This is NOT A KICK IT SPOT, do not just come in and sit on the benches and try on shoes because your mom is late from picking yo ass and your little mallrat friends up.
10) IF YOU EVER EVER TRY TO STEAL FROM MY STORE, I WILL CHASE YOU ALL THE WAY TO TJ, COMPRENDE?
So I'm glad that we got all of this cleared up, hopefully I will not see this happen...especially if you are reading this blog right now. I swear, we're not aggressive at my store at all, in fact if we talk about a customer....it's usually in the back where the shoes are. Just know that we do appreciate your purchases and hope you come back soon...BUT PULL A HO MOVE LIKE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING LISTED UP THERE, AND YOU WILL BE ESCORTED OUT (by my foot up your ass)
peace, love, and shoes
<3jenilla
Anywhoozels, there are simple rules that I wish fuckers would learn to follow when coming in my store and I swear that if you did, you would be the perfect customer...but unfortunately there are fucking morons who still do not have the right etiquette in my store.
Listen closley kiddos...
1) Don't ever come into my store and ask if we have converse, or DCs...look at the outside of the store, does it look like it says "Journeys"? no, motherfucka, no.
2) Don't try to try on the display shoe with yo jenky ass dark ass rainbow sandal wearing toes! Here's a hint for you...if you're a female and your shoe size is bigger than 7...don't try on the display, it's NOT YOUR SIZE! For men, it's anything bigger than a 9.5, it won't fucking fit you...so don't be dumb.
3) Don't look in the store and ask for a shoe that you do not see. For example: "Do you have purple high tops?" This is not fucking in-n-out burger, jigga there ain't no secret menu! We don't have hidden stock in the back or shoe cobblers making shoes 24/7, this is not the keebler workshop.
4) If we do not carry your size, don't give us attitude. This is not costco, there is no bulk.
5) Throw away your own trash, DO NOT GIVE ME A DRINK THAT IS HALF FULL OF COFFEE AND ASK ME TO THROW IT AWAY IN MY TINY ASS TRASHCAN BEHIND THE REGISTER WHEN THE TRASHCAN IS 6 FT AWAY OUTSIDE.
6) Keep your kids on leashes...okay that was harsh. DONT LET THEM WALK AROUND FUCKING UP THE STORE.
7) If the mall closes at 9:00pm and you try and walk into my store on a night I'm closing around 8:53pm...PUT ON YOUR BOXING GLOVES.
8)Don't try and ask for a discount on a shoe because there's one tiny little detail on it that's microscopic...unless you're friends with inspector fucking gadget, I'm 100% positive that no one would notice it or even care. P.S. we rarely give discounts, unless something really is wrong with the shoe.
9) This is NOT A KICK IT SPOT, do not just come in and sit on the benches and try on shoes because your mom is late from picking yo ass and your little mallrat friends up.
10) IF YOU EVER EVER TRY TO STEAL FROM MY STORE, I WILL CHASE YOU ALL THE WAY TO TJ, COMPRENDE?
So I'm glad that we got all of this cleared up, hopefully I will not see this happen...especially if you are reading this blog right now. I swear, we're not aggressive at my store at all, in fact if we talk about a customer....it's usually in the back where the shoes are. Just know that we do appreciate your purchases and hope you come back soon...BUT PULL A HO MOVE LIKE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING LISTED UP THERE, AND YOU WILL BE ESCORTED OUT (by my foot up your ass)
peace, love, and shoes
<3jenilla
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